


how do i get to heaven

by perfect-porcelain (tedddylupin)



Category: The Society (TV 2019)
Genre: Alternate Universe - No Alternate Universe, Don't copy to another site, Drug Addiction, Drug Use, M/M, Suicidal Thoughts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-13
Updated: 2019-07-13
Packaged: 2020-06-27 10:57:43
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,562
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19789462
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tedddylupin/pseuds/perfect-porcelain
Summary: the truth runs wild and grizz isn't sure he wants sam to know his entire truth.





	how do i get to heaven

For the life of him he couldn’t tell if he was awake or dreaming. He couldn’t tell if the blurry face in the mirror was himself or if it was a mirage. He couldn’t tell if the pounding bass in his ears was just his imagination or if he was in the middle of a club bathroom deciding if he was alive or dead.

The man in the mirror gave him a slow smile, eyes closing slowly before opening and he laughed to himself.

Everything sped up when he felt a hand clap on his shoulder.

“Grizz come the fuck on.” Clark laughed in his ear and he let himself get dragged back onto the dance floor. 

He was high as a kite and drunk as a skunk.

Those were real terms right?

He laughed to himself as he let his body move to the beat, limbs loose and free.

He didn’t have to think about anything.

He didn’t have to wonder where he was going after this.

All that mattered right now was living in the moment and he didn’t want to come down.

Coming down meant crawling back into the darkness and he wasn’t ready for that.

He wasn’t ready for the fact that he was living on his friend’s couches because his parents had kicked him out after catching him kissing a boy. 

He wasn’t ready to go back to the reality that he had been on his own for 5 years now and still hadn’t gotten his life together. 

Instead he let the music sway his body and the drugs course through his veins.

When he couldn’t take it anymore he stumbled towards the bar, ready for another drink or another shot or another _something_.

He let himself lean against the sticky counter while he waited for the bartender to come to him and he looked at the people next to him. He frowned when he realized he recognized someone.

“Oh shit, Sam?” He asked, brushing the man’s arm next to him. The man turned and frowned up at him.

“Grizz?” Sam asked though his voice was hardly loud enough over the music. Grizz watched Sam’s mouth morph into a surprised smile. “Long time no see.” 

“What are you doing here?” Grizz cocked his head with an interested look. 

“Becca dragged me here.” Sam shrugged. “This isn’t my normal scene.” 

Grizz snorted. “Obviously.” Sam frowned and the expression cut through the haze. He felt like a teenager again, sneaking looks at the one openly gay person that he knew and pining after him for years. Grizz shook his head, closing his eyes. “I just mean I don’t normally think of this being your type of place.” He opened his eyes, the two Sam’s slowly coming together. 

“It’s Becca’s birthday so…” Sam shrugged again and turned toward the bar.

Grizz laid a hand on Sam’s shoulder and the man turned his head to look at the hand invading his space and then up at Grizz with an arch of his eyebrow. Grizz took his hand back quickly, awkwardly. Sam’s expression changed to an amused one. 

“You’re not going to remember this in the morning are you?” Sam mused and Grizz narrowed his eyes.

“Of course I am.” 

Sam studied him for a moment before reaching out to grab a bar napkin and scribbled something on it before handing it to Grizz. “Right, well when you wake up tomorrow, I hope you have this to remember me by.” 

Grizz looked down at the napkin and saw a phone number and Sam’s name. He looked back up as Sam grabbed his drinks. 

“See you later Grizz.” 

He opened his mouth to say something but Sam just brushed past him, looking back only once to give him a sly smile and he leaned heavily back on the bar. 

What the hell just happened?

He turned back to the bartender after a beat and ordered three shots which he promptly took one after the other. 

When he woke up the next morning, sunlight streaming into his eyes he groaned in pain, shifting into the couch cushions before he realized something was on his face.

He grabbed it and opened his eyes blearily and saw the number and Sam’s name and he had no memory of getting this napkin.

Granted, he didn’t have much memory of nightimes, but this one was much more interesting than his normal ones.

He sat up slowly, head pounding and he reached out for the pill bottle, tapping three in to his palm and grabbing the bottle of half empty vodka on the coffee table. He knocked everything back with an easy swallow, not even wincing at the burn as it went down.

He grabbed his phone out of his back pocket and tapped the number into the message.

**Grizz** : Hey

It took a moment to get a response.

**Sam** : You don’t remember do you?  
**Grizz** : Did we duck?  
**Grizz** : Shit, I mean fuck  
**Sam** : No we didn’t fuck jesus is that what you automatically assume?  
**Grizz** : ….maybe  
**Sam** : I just wanted to see if you would actually remember seeing me last night because you were definitely drunk off your ass

Grizz wanted to type back that that was most nights but he didn’t.

**Grizz** : Yeah haha it was a wild night

He watched Sam type for a while but nothing came out of it. He couldn’t tear his eyes away from the phone, however, and gripped it with both hands.

**Sam** : I’m starving. Want to get food?  
**Grizz** : Jesse’s Diner?  
**Sam** : I’ll be there in 15

Grizz scrambled to his feet and rushed to get ready. Clark was still asleep in his room which Grizz was grateful for. 

He was honestly more grateful that he found his keys.

Sam was already sitting at a table when he got there and he slid into the booth across from him.

“Morning sunshine.” Sam smirked. “Didn’t have time to fix your hair I see.”

Grizz reached up with his hands in a panic and Sam laughed.

“I’m kidding.”

“Oh.” Grizz breathed and let his hand drop back to the table. 

“We didn’t get to really catch up what with you being blacked out and the music being too loud.” Sam mused and Grizz shifted uncomfortably. His mind flashed back to the stolen kisses the two had shared their last year of high school and into the summer. He remembered the times he had made Sam moan against his skin and the times he had shouted Sam’s name. He hadn’t seen the man in at least a year but everything always came rushing back.

“How have you been? How long are you in town?” Grizz asked, his fingers awkwardly making some of the signs and Sam watched him with an almost amused expression.

“I’ve been good. Works great but I’ve decided I’m going to start working from home to be closer to family.” Sam explained and Grizz wanted to ask but he wasn’t sure if he still had the right to.

“Oh that’s...good.” He trailed off, fiddling with the menu. The pills washed down by alcohol was starting to take effect but not quick enough. He was still fidgety. “Guess I’ll be seeing you around more then.” 

Sam smiled at him. “Guess so.” 

Why did Sam have to look so good? Grizz knew he looked like a mess while Sam looked like he stepped out of a magazine. He couldn’t help but wonder if that was why Sam hadn’t stuck around. Sure there was college of course. College that Grizz couldn’t afford after being kicked out of the house, but Sam came back during the summers and practically disowned Grizz. He would be lying to say it didn’t hurt him deeply. He would see Sam off with Becca or Gordie and they would make eye contact across the store or movie theater and Sam would turn away.

“What are you up to now?” Sam asked easily and Grizz shifted in his seat.

“I’m working at Luke’s dad’s shop.” He said, a little embarrassed. “He made me manager so there’s that I guess.” 

Sam nodded. “That’s great Grizz.” 

He heard the pity in Sam’s voice and he cringed inwardly. 

He definitely wasn’t good enough for Sam yet he still came running back, hoping for something more. Just a little taste of something more.

He leaned back in the vinyl seat as he felt the pills slowly taking effect and he felt himself relaxing into the dullness. Suddenly he didn’t care about all of that anymore.

“Have you ordered yet?” He asked Sam and the man shook his head. He looked to the waitress and raised his hand. She came over and they ordered. He turned back to Sam, feeling more confident than before. Liquid courage and false sense of reality intermingling.

Sam stared back at him, his fingers laced together on top of the table.

“Why did you never look at me the same after you left for college?” He asked after a while of them looking at each other. They hadn’t really had this moment together, to really talk. He was honestly surprised that Sam was suddenly interested in speaking to him again but he didn’t remember meeting him last night so he had no idea what had sparked this new development between them.

Sam looked out the window, his body tensing. Grizz waited for him to turn back. 

“I was a prick.” Sam said simply, turning his head once more. “I had a false idea of what I wanted and what this world is.”

“Didn’t realize you suddenly became a poet.” Grizz said bitterly. 

Sam sighed and leaned forward, looking at his hands. “I think I wanted to surround myself with people that were doing the same things I were and you weren’t one of them. You weren’t going to college and you were staying here in West Ham while I was off doing new things.” Sam looked up and bit his lip. “I didn’t realize that the people that actually care about me were right here.” 

Grizz scoffed, suddenly angry. Perhaps it was the influence of the mixed substances or perhaps it was his pent up feelings. “Well that’s rich.” He said, eyes blazing.

Sam’s eyebrows pushed together. “Grizz I’m sorry I was such a dick. I was being a pretentious asshole.” 

“That’s for fucking sure.” Grizz muttered. “What makes you think that I care about you anymore though?”

Sam’s expression softened and a sharp sadness colored it. “I don’t expect you would after what I did but I just wanted you to know. I saw you last night and I thought I could keep ignoring it but I realized I couldn’t and you deserved an apology.” 

Grizz was silent for a moment. Sam had no idea what his life was these days. He was off being an adult and having a college degree and a stable job while Grizz was just trying to get through the week. 

Sam had no idea the amount of times he looked at himself in the mirror and wondered if he should just take all the pills in the bottle at once and get it over with. Who would miss him? 

He forced a slight smile on his face. “Sam it’s fine.” It wasn’t fine. “I get it.” He didn’t get it. “You don’t have to apologize. Who wants to hang out with a washed up old football player right?” He laughed slightly though inside he was grimacing and wishing he could just go back under the vice of the booze.

Sam’s expression shifted to one of relief. “Grizz you’re such an idiot.” He laughed and Grizz missed that laugh. 

They ate their food and chatted some more though Grizz didn’t let on about his true feelings or the fact that he was pretty sure he was slipping more had more under the wave of unfeeling to the point that he didn’t even really care that he was sitting in front of Sam. 

They parted ways and while he was sure Sam was off to work, Grizz headed back to Clark’s place and prayed that he could just fall back asleep with no one bothering him. He didn’t want to think about he and Sam’s conversation. He wanted to not think at all.

Because that was what his life had become. 

Constantly chasing that non-feeling feeling and letting life wash over him.

He couldn’t worry or wonder about where his life had gone and what he was going to do next if he was surrounded by nothingness.

“Hey buddy.” Clark greeted him when he came in. “Where have you been?”

“I saw Sam.” He said simply, shutting the door behind him and he plopped on the couch, burying his face into the cushions.

“Oh.” Was all Clark said.

“Yeah. Oh.”

“How did it uh...go?”

“He apologized for being a dick like that’s going to make everything better.” Grizz’s voice was muffled but he knew Clark would still be able to hear him.

“Oh.” Clark said again.

“Listen Clark, I don’t have the energy right now to discuss it anymore.” Grizz said as he raised his head up enough to grab the bottle of vodka and take another long pull from it. “I just want to go back to sleep okay?”

“Yeah...okay.” Clark said after a while and Grizz felt the guilt creep in but he didn’t let it overwhelm him. The nothingness was coming and he was going to welcome it with open arms.

\-------

He saw Sam again the next week when he came into the store while Grizz was working. He wasn’t prepared, otherwise he would have taken a few shots before hand. Now he was painfully sober, fingers twitching with his pen.

“Hey.” Sam greeted him as he placed a basket full of random items. “I thought you were manager.”

“We’re short a cashier.” Grizz shrugged as he methodically scanned the items. He didn’t look up at Sam. He only looked up when he was done bagging and gave Sam his total. He watched those slim fingers put his credit card into the machine and he swallowed, mind flashing to memories of what those fingers had done to him.

Sam bit his lip and cocked his head. Grizz knew that expression. He quickly handed Sam his reciept. “Have a good day.”

Sam’s fingers brushed his and he felt a jolt go through him. “Grizz…” Sam trailed off and Grizz didn’t look at him as he took his hand away. “Grizz.” Sam said again and he couldn’t help but look at the boy that turned into a man. 

“What?” He asked simply.

“Do you want to do something together this week?”

He gnawed on his lips. He desperately wanted to say yes. He wanted to fall back into Sam but he knew that if he did Sam would see the truth about him and he didn’t want that. “I don’t think that’s a good idea.” 

His fingers went back to his pen, twitching it in his hands. He briefly looked back at Sam and he felt his heart squeeze at the disappointed look. 

“See you later.” Sam nodded and turned and left. 

“Fuck.” He whispered to himself, hands going out to lean against the till and he let his head droop, eyes closing. This was a good thing though. If Sam saw just how bad it was he wasn’t sure he could be strong enough to say no to Sam. 

And Sam in his life was not a good thing.

He straightened as another person came through the till and he let his mind go on autopilot, pushing all thoughts of a redhead out of his mind.

\------

Grizz closed his eyes as the high started to hit him. His mouth twitched into a smile.

“It’s good right?” Clark grinned back at him and reached over to grab the joint from Grizz. He let him take it and grabbed the bottle of whiskey from the table. He took a long pull from the bottle before nodding. He didn’t need to tell Clark that he was pretty sure the high was coming more from the pills than the joint. 

He settled back into the couch.

“We’re still going out tonight right?” Clark asked, blowing out smoke rings.

“As far as I know.” Grizz murmured. Another pull.

“I think Jason’s coming too.”

“Cool.” He replied easily. Another pull.

“You should probably go easy on that unless you want to be blacked before we get there.” Clark cut in and Grizz looked at him and back at the bottle. 

“Uh, right.” He set the bottle down.

The two of them watched football, mostly in silence but Grizz cheered when necessary. The room started getting hazy at the edges and he let himself float up. He almost didn’t notice when Luke and Jason came in. Everything was starting to go in slow motion and he knew he gave the proper responses. He could blame it on the weed.

It was the same club as before when he saw Sam. He instantly made a beeline to the bar and ordered drinks, bringing them back for the guys. Not before taking a few shots for himself. They didn’t have to know.

“Alright!” Luke laughed when Grizz brought the drinks, clinking his beer against the others. “Let’s celebrate huh gents?”

Everyone gave their own sentiments and Grizz found himself on the dancefloor, letting the music wash over him. It was a bit like flying as the colors swirled around him. 

He wasn’t sure how many drinks he had before he needed to leave and get some air, the humidity from all the bodies suddenly becoming too much. He gestured to his friends that he needed to go outside and they nodded, clapping him on the back.

He stepped outside heavily and sucked in a breath of the cool night air gratefully. Everything was still hazy and blurry but at least he wasn’t choking on his on breath. 

“Well hey there.” He heard a voice croon next to him and he frowned, turning his head and seeing Campbell. “I would say I’m surprised to see you but,” Campbell pushed off the wall and pushed his hands into his pockets as he got closer to Grizz. Almost too close. “That would be a lie wouldn’t it?”

“Hey Campbell.” He muttered, looking away from the man. 

“How’s that store holding out?” Campbell asked, eyes practically boring into Grizz’s face and he could barely see him out of the corner of his eye. “Are you needing a restock? I got some great stuff in.”

Grizz shut his eyes and sucked in another breath. This was too easy. He needed it to be harder, otherwise he was pretty sure he was going to let his impulsivity kill him.

“Oh come on Grizzy, I even have your favorite. Oxy.” Campbell smirked and Grizz heard the slight rattle that he knew so well. “I’ll even give you a discount. Since you’re practically family right?”

Grizz’s eyes flew open at that and he narrowed his eyes. “What the fuck is that supposed to mean?”

Campbell shrugged. “Sam is back in town after all.” And then a cruel grin curled onto the man’s face. “Figured you two would be rekindling that flame in no time.”

Grizz looked around and then grabbed Campbell by the lapels of his jacket and pushed him into the alleyway, stopping only when he forced him up against the brickwall, hard.

“Easy, easy champ. I don’t swing that way.” Campbell grinned.

“You need to shut the fuck up.” Grizz hissed.

“What, aren’t you already out? Why the fuck does it matter?” Campbell gave him a fake pout before pushing him back roughly and Grizz stumbled back. Campbell brushed off his coat. “You want the pills or not? I can sell them easily I just thought since you were here, you might want in on them.”

Grizz straightened, his mind whirling. He knew he shouldn’t. But it was so easy to slip away with them in his system. He opened his mouth to answer ‘no’ but then the door to the bar opened and he heard loud laughter and saw Jason with a girl and he felt his heart sink. It was so easy for them. They could go out to any nightclub, any bar and find someone to take home and never be alone if they didn’t want to be.

He turned back to Campbell. “Fine.” He gritted out and he wanted to slap the satisfied look off Campbell’s face. He held out his hand for the pill bottle and slipped it into his pocket. “Venmo fine?”

Campbell nodded. “Good seeing you Grizzy. I’ll tell Sam hello for you.” 

Grizz’s hand shot out and grabbed Campbell again roughly. “Don’t you _dare_ tell him about this.”

Campbell studied him for a moment before a sly smile curled onto his face and he cocked his head with a little nod. “I’ll leave that one up to you. It’ll be more delicious that way.” And then he yanked himself out of Grizz’s grip and started back towards the street, leaving Grizz alone in the alleyway. 

He pulled out the pill bottle again, staring at it. He shouldn’t.

He popped the top off and shook out one, putting it in his mouth and swallowing it.

He should.

**Author's Note:**

> i would like to say this is the first edit of these end notes because the first iteration was blacked out me going off about are you the one on this very serious grizzam oneshot that will be a twoshot but i'm an impatient motherfucker and needed validation quicker. 
> 
> but for real there will be more and i've been in this slightly darker place for a hot minute so i felt a need to write it out and that's where this came from so like please enjoy because ouch.


End file.
